Flashbacks And Flash Bombs
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang remembers past disasters while planning possible future ones.


**Once again Archer and the gang did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more nonsense about messed up missions that entered my tiny mind. Takes place before Pocket Listing.**

 **Flashbacks And Flash Bombs**

"I thought we weren't allowed to do any freelance work?" Lana spoke up at the meeting in Mallory's office. The entire staff had been called in to discuss Mallory's latest plot for more cash.

"Technically no," Mallory sighed as she poured herself a drink. "That's why this assignment is under the table."

"You mean off the books which means illegal," Cyril groaned.

"Highly illegal," Ray groaned.

"It's not illegal if we cross international waters and the CIA doesn't find out!" Mallory snapped.

"I'm almost afraid to ask what this is," Lana groaned.

"I have a friend in the Australian government who…Well has a friend who misplaced an experimental sub," Mallory admitted.

"How do you _misplace_ an **experimental submarine**?" Cyril asked.

"Well when your friend's friend sort of borrows that experimental sub to impress some women and they turn out to be part of a terrorist group who hijack that friend friend's sub…" Mallory admitted.

"It sounds like something Archer would do," Ray quipped.

"Well replace submarine with a car and yeah it would," Archer asked.

"Mallory have you forgotten that little incident the **last time** we went after a rogue submarine?" Lana gave her a look. "The Galapagos Islands incident?"

"Oh dear god it's coming back to me…" Ray winced.

"Damn it…Me too," Mallory realized.

FLASHBACK…To several years ago…

"The Red Square an experimental Russian submarine has gone completely rouge of the KGB," Mallory was in her office explaining the mission to Archer, Ray, Lana and a few other agents. "Apparently its Admiral is pissed off because he got passed over for a promotion. In addition he's kidnapped the French scientist Dr. Dermont DuPree for his research. And apparently he slept with his wife so…"

"So how are we going to track down a submarine?" Lana asked.

FLASHBACK!

"How do you know an Italian multimillionaire with a huge boat who's willing to help us?" Archer asked his mother as they were at the docks.

"Uh…Friend of a friend," Mallory coughed. "We'll be on his private yacht the Strega Rosa tracking and monitoring your mission."

Indeed they were standing next to a giant yacht.

FLASHBACK!

"Okay so I shot an informant and a few undercover agents!" Archer snapped at Lana and two other agents from his agency on a different dock. "It happens!"

FLASHBACK!

"Why am I here?" Cyril asked Mallory in a stateroom of the yacht.

"Because I need to your number crunching to convince Antonio Streggola to invest his millions in our agency after this mission!" Mallory snapped. "After I seduce him of course."

"I think you're a little late on that part," Cyril pointed to the sound of laughter outside the room.

"What?" Mallory went outside the room. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

"Whazzup Ms. A!" Pam cheered as she was in her bathing suit lying on a beach chair drinking a margarita. Cheryl was also in a bikini dancing around sniffing glue.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO MORONS DOING HERE?" Mallory shouted.

"We wanted to go on a cruise too," Cheryl shrugged.

"This isn't a cruise! It's a mission!" Cyril told them.

"PAM! CAROL! THIS BETTER NOT BECOME A HABIT OF YOURS!" Mallory shouted.

FLASHBACK!

"Krieger what the hell did you bring on this trip?" Ray shouted as he and Mallory looked at something in the hold of the yacht. Something that was in a cage.

"Just a little side project I've been working on," Krieger shrugged.

"What? To get the Loch Ness Monster a date?" Mallory yelled.

FLASHBACK!

"ARCHER! ARCHER!" Lana shouted into a phone as she and a few other agents were in a shootout in a hallway.

"Damn it Archer! We're in trouble here!" Brett shouted. He was then shot in the arm. "AAAAHHH!"

"Shot again Brett? Jesus this is starting to become a habit!" Archer groaned.

FLASHBACK!

"Krieger! Did you steal those penguins for some unholy experiment?" Mallory shouted as she banged on a cabin door.

"Noooo…" Krieger said as he was surrounded by several penguins in his room.

A penguin squawked. Krieger took out a syringe filled with purple liquid. "Just calm down while I give you some…penguin vitamins. Yeah. That's the ticket."

FLASHBACK!

"Oh Antonio…" Mallory purred suggestively as she entered the state bedroom of the yacht owner wearing only a silk bathrobe. She let it drop to the floor.

Right before she noticed Antonio was holding a gun on her. And three other armed men were holding guns right at her too. "Well that's a… How you say?" He smirked in an Italian accent. "A freebee?"

"Damn it," Mallory groaned. "I'm in trouble aren't I?"

"Oh yeah," Antonio nodded. "Please put your robe back on."

FLASHBACK!

"How is this **my fault?"** Archer snapped as he and Lana were tied up and surrounded by Russian soldiers.

FLASHBACK!

"This is all your fault!" Pam snapped as she fought off two armed men in the ship's hallway.

"How was I supposed to know that Antonio was a sleeper agent for the Russians?" Mallory snapped as she fired her weapon. She had managed to put her bathrobe on as well as get her gun.

"Stop bitching and let's retake the ship!" Ray snapped as he fired his guns at the enemy agents as well.

FLASHBACK!

"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREEE!" Cyril shot a machine gun while screaming and closing his eyes.

He opened them. "Did I get them?"

"Yeah and you also got some of our guys and the undercover Interpol agent that was helping us!" Pam shouted as she pointed to all the dead bodies.

"And I think you shot some holes in the ship and we might have sprung a few leaks!" Ray pointed to the walls.

"I'm in trouble aren't I?" Cyril gulped.

"What do you think? Ass!" Mallory snapped.

FLASHBACK!

"ASS!" Lana shouted as she fought several Russian soldiers back to back with Archer.

"Again! How is this **my fault**?" Archer snapped as he killed one Russian soldier. "Just because I took us down the wrong way and…Okay I see where you're going with this."

FLASHBACK!

"Okay now that we've taken control of the bridge we just have to find out where we are and…" Ray was looking at the controls of the yacht.

BOOOOOOM!

"Where the renegade sub is…" Ray gulped. "Dukes we are in trouble!"

"I'll say!" Mallory was looking around. "I can't find a damn drink in here!"

FLASHBACK!

"GO MY PRETTIES! GO!" Krieger cackled maniacally as he released something into the ocean from its cage undersea. "NO! DON'T GO! I MEAN GO AFTER THE SUB! HEY! COME BACK HERE!"

"RARRRRR!"

"Damn it. I'm gonna be in trouble," Krieger groaned.

FLASHBACK!

"So I **shouldn't** open up the missile?" Archer asked.

"NO!" Ray shouted into his headpiece.

"Oh…" Archer stood around the open bomb that was glowing green with radiation as several dead Russian sailors lay around him. "Now you tell me!"

"I TOLD YOU THIS AT THE BRIEFING!" Ray shouted.

"Well I wasn't exactly paying attention!" Archer snapped. "So I should put this glowing thing back together?"

"YOU THINK?" Ray shouted.

FLASHBACK!

"Hang on Dr. DuPree!" Lana shouted as she hung from a flying helicopter wearing a wetsuit. A scientist was hanging on her legs.

"Sacre Bleu! I can hang on to your shapely long legs all day," The French male scientist said.

"Hey! Are you groping me? Stop it! Stop it!" Lana snapped as she started to kick.

"AAAAAHH!" Dr. DuPree lost his grip due to Lana's kicking and landed in the ocean with a splash.

"Damn, I'm gonna be in trouble," Lana winced. "Dr. DuPree! Watch out for that…!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Shark…" Lana winced. "Yup definitely in trouble now."

FLASHBACK!

"You sent an armed nuclear missile **where?"** Ray yelled into the head phones.

"Uh…" Archer gulped as he stood on the bridge of a submarine. "Funny story. By the way do you know how to pilot a submarine?"

FLASHBACK!

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Wow I did not think a volcano would erupt that fast," Pam said as she sat in a giant yellow raft with Mallory, Ray, Cyril, Cheryl and Mallory. Coincidentally she had a bandage on her arm where she had been shot.

"I hate you all so much," Mallory growled. She also had a bandage on her arm where she was shot. "You are all incompetent failures! ESPECIALLY YOU STERLING!"

"How is this my fault?" Archer snapped as he hung onto a floating piece of wood.

"How is this **not?** " Lana shouted. She was also hanging on the same floating piece of wood.

"Well I had to send that nuclear warhead somewhere!" Archer snapped. "And that underwater cave looked like a good idea. How was I supposed to know it was connected to a volcano?"

"Uhhhh…." Brett was floating face down in the ocean and was bleeding.

"Brett! Stop bleeding! You're going to attract sharks!" Archer snapped.

"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" Krieger rode by on the back of a very large sea turtle.

"Dukes, we are in so much trouble," Ray groaned.

"We're not getting paid are we?" Cyril moaned.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted.

"Someone help us into the raft," Lana groaned.

"No. We need you to kick us off to shore," Mallory scoffed.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Well not **that shore** obviously," Mallory sighed. "Since that entire island is on fire."

"We can just attach the raft to Krieger's sea turtle," Archer said. "Where did he get a sea turtle?"

 _"They call him Krieger! Krieger! Krieger! King of the Sea!"_ Krieger sang.

"Krieger stop screwing around and help us here!" Lana shouted.

"Hey is that a Navy ship?" Pam pointed. "OVER HERE!"

"Damn it. I am going to be in so much trouble over this," Mallory groaned as a large Navy ship came into view.

Fast forward to the present…

"And I was," Mallory remarked. "God I lost more money in that one weekend than several visits to the Kentucky Derby!"

"That was not one of our better missions," Ray winced.

"Not only did we blow up a small island, started a volcanic eruption and lose several of our own agents," Lana groaned. "Several other people died. We irradiated an international biological marine reserve and let loose some of Krieger's creations which have probably screwed up the ecosystem for generations!"

"And I'm pretty sure that's one of the ways I contacted breast cancer," Archer spoke up.

"Not to mention five other people got shot including you, me…" Pam added. "Brett…"

"Shocker," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"That one French dude got eaten by a shark," Pam added.

"It was the scientist we were supposed to rescue!" Ray snapped. "Not to mention Krieger brought back a few samples and decided to play with them in his lab!"

FLASHBACK!

"Wenk! Wenk! Wak! Wak!" Several glowing penguins were running amok in the office.

"COME BACK HERE!" Krieger ran after the penguins waving a capture net.

FLASH-FORWARD!

"Hey no interns were killed during the irradiated penguin incident!" Krieger protested.

"No but three janitors and that guy from accounts were!" Cyril snapped.

"And I'm pretty sure that's another reason I got breast cancer!" Archer spoke up. "Damn glowing mutant penguins kept pecking my chest! Oh my god! I think that is one of the ways I got breast cancer!"

"It could have been worse," Pam said. "You could have gotten penguin superpowers."

"What kind of superpowers could a penguin have?" Archer scoffed.

"Well you could probably swim really fast," Pam shrugged.

"I already swim pretty fast," Archer scoffed. Then he frowned. "Now that you mention it though I have gotten a lot better at it since the incident."

"Mallory I think hunting down rogue submarines without any authorization is just asking for trouble!" Lana said. "Trouble we don't need!"

"I mean I can swim really fast now," Archer went on. "I mean look out Mark Spitz I could easily give you a run for your gold medals."

"Do we even **have** a ship or anything that can track a rogue submarine?" Ray asked.

"Well not now but I'm sure I can whip something up in a month or so," Krieger said.

"That'd be too late," Ray said. "Which means this whole meeting is as pointless as a broken pencil in a classroom on a Saturday."

"Yeah and wouldn't the actual Australian government do something about this?" Cyril asked. "And have the resources to do it? Or our Navy."

"It does seem like this would be more in the Navy's jurisdiction," Pam said.

"It would explain how my body was able to recover from drowning so fast," Archer kept thinking out loud.

"They were not too happy with us the last time we barged in on one of their operations," Ray admitted. "Remember Ms. Archer?"

"Vaguely," Mallory frowned.

"I have noticed that my hair has grown some kind of glossy sheen," Archer spoke up. "It's thicker and fuller and more water resistant."

"How could you forget?" Pam snorted. "You were almost arrested for trying to rape that admiral!"

"It wasn't rape! I was just trying to seduce him and got my signals crossed!" Mallory snapped.

"Seriously I have to stand in the shower for at least a full ten minutes to get it properly wet before I can shampoo it," Archer spoke up.

"Mallory they caught you trying to tear that admiral's pants off in that bathroom while he was screaming for help!" Lana snapped. "That's usually a sign to stop!"

"It is?" Pam blinked.

"And ever since that incident every time I go by the penguin exhibit at the zoo I can't help but stare," Archer went on. "They have such soft soulful eyes…"

"And let's not forget that **other incident** with those sailors," Lana glared at Ray.

"What? We were just having a little party," Ray whistled. "In my apartment. Some wine. Some cheese. Just a simple little party."

"Didn't they have to call the cops **twice** on your simple little party?" Lana snorted.

"Only once!" Ray protested. "The second time the cops were just coming over to pick up the cops from the first call."

"They just stare right at me," Archer went on. "As if they know I can understand them. And I feel like I do."

"Besides if you recall I was able to make friends with that **other admiral** that got you off the hook Ms. Archer!" Ray pointed out. "You're welcome!"

"And shortly after that I've started eating fish more," Archer kept thinking. "I mean I usually eat steak when I go out to eat but since then I had to have some kind of fish at least twice a week which is really unusual…."

"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER YOU ARE **NOT** HALF PENGUIN!" Mallory shouted at her son. "SO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" Archer shouted.

"It could be worse," Cheryl spoke up. "You could be half machine like Ray."

"That is worse," Archer admitted.

"You know…?" Ray growled.

"Hey guys…" Pam noticed something on her phone. "I don't think we're going to go after all. According to my news feed app the Australian Royal Marines just took down that sub when they hit a coral reef."

"Wait the Australians have **marines**?" Archer did a double take.

"Of course they have marines!" Mallory snapped. "And you get the news on your phone?"

"Uh yeah! How else am I going to find out which celebrities are tied to political scandals?" Pam snorted.

"That is a rather good point," Ray admitted.

"Oh I guess we're not going after all," Cyril said.

"Damn it. I really wanted to see another volcano erupt," Cheryl remarked.

"See? Problem solved itself," Ray waved.

"No, that leaves us with a problem of not having any more money!" Mallory snapped.

"And how much money did you have to pay in bribes and payoffs so we wouldn't get charged after the Galapagos Incident?" Pam asked.

Mallory began a retort and began to think. "You do have a point."

She waved. "It doesn't matter anyway. I had a backup assignment just in case."

"You have a backup illegal mission for the **other** illegal mission?" Cyril asked.

"Yes Cyril it's called strategy!" Mallory snapped.

"That's not what the CIA will call it if they find out," Lana remarked.

"They won't care! In fact! They might be happy with us if we did do this!" Mallory said. "If we stop a terrorist plot and save millions of lives! And it could get us millions of dollars!"

" **What** terrorist plot?" Archer asked.

"I don't know! But odds are there's one out there somewhere!" Mallory waved. "This is New York! The home of millions of lunatics and fruitcakes! Odds are at least **one** of them out there is going to cook up some kind of cockamamie plot! There has to be at least one Johnny Jihad we can thwart to make us look good!"

"So basically we're just supposed to wander around the city and hope we stumble into some bomb plot or something?" Archer asked.

"It sounds vaguely familiar to the Let's Go Hunt a Terrorist Campaign a few years ago," Ray winced.

"Which ended up turning into Let's Go Hunt Down Bimbos in Bars," Lana groaned.

"Which was not as much fun as it should have been," Archer groaned. "Now how did Brett get shot **that** time?"

"He actually asked out loud if there were any terrorists in a bar and surprisingly one was stupid enough to say yes," Pam groaned. "I remember because I had to fill out all the accident report forms."

"Mine was even worse," Archer groaned. "I couldn't score all weekend!"

"How horrible," Ray quipped.

"It was!" Archer defended. "It was like every woman in every bar I walked into was just there to turn me down! I had never experienced a dry streak like that ever! It was three whole weeks before I got laid!"

"Really?" Lana said in a bored tone.

"And I know what you're thinking," Archer went on. "Why didn't I just hire a prostitute? But that's not the correct way to end a dry streak. It doesn't count. Fortunately I was able to nail Scatter Brain Jane while she was on one of her many medications. Then I could call a prostitute without shame."

"It's amazing what **does** make you ashamed," Lana gave him a look. "But back to this plan Mallory I don't think just randomly wandering around the city looking for terrorists we know nothing about is such a good idea either."

"We couldn't stop them from stealing our agency's original name," Ray remarked. "What makes you think we can stop a bomb threat that no one even knows about?"

"I have an idea how to flush them out!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"If this is anything like your **last idea** a few years ago I don't want to hear it!" Mallory snapped.

"What did he do?" Cheryl asked.

"Well…" Pam sighed.

FLASHBACK!

"Yes our agency is well equipped to deal with any security problems you gentlemen might have," Mallory purred as she sat at a table with three well-dressed gentlemen in a very fancy restaurant. She was dressed up in a fancy black dress with her nicest pearls.

"In fact Doctor Krieger the head of our applied research division has assured me that he's come up with some new technology that will flush out terrorists and double agents," Mallory went on as she took a sip from expensive champagne. "He should be here any…"

Just then Mallory noticed a few round objects rolling on the floor. "Minute…" Mallory blinked. She barely had time to duck before they went off.

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

People all over the restaurant were running in terror as several more flash bombs went off. "I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND!" People screamed.

"Here terrorist! Terrorist! Terrorist!" Krieger called out as he threw several flash bombs. "COME ON OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!"

"AAAAHHH!" A waiter fell backwards spilling the huge tray of food onto several people.

"TERRORIST!" Krieger shouted cheerfully. "MS. ARCHER YOU SEE ANY TERRORISTS?"

"Krieger I can't see anything other than your incompetence!" Mallory shouted.

Then she realized that her potential clients had heard her. "You're not going to go with my agency are you?" Mallory groaned.

"TERRORIST!"

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

"What do you think?" One man shouted.

Right before a waiter dropped a huge bowl of scalding soup on him by accident. "AAAHHH!" The man screamed in agony.

"Great…" Mallory groaned. "You just know he's going to stick me with the dry cleaning bill."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Do you have any idea how **embarrassed** I was after that night?" Mallory shouted. "To this day I still can't show my face in Maison de Puer!"

"We're talking about the fancy restaurant right?" Krieger blinked.

"I never should have taken him out of Argentina," Mallory groaned. "I **knew** I should have let the Dobermans tear him to pieces!"

"Again Mallory, us running around New York just looking for terrorists without any plan is a **bad idea**!" Lana said.

"I have a plan!" Cheryl spoke up. "We burn them out!"

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

"See what I mean?" Lana asked Mallory.

"Ugh…You have a point," Mallory groaned.

"Do we have a backup plan for the backup plan?" Ray asked.

"Actually I do," Mallory sighed, getting a migraine. "I'm going out to get a drink. Forget terrorists. I'll settle for a Tom Collins and a few hours away from you idiots!"


End file.
